Disentangling
Self-Worth.
One of the most important determinants of happiness, and priorities of life.
How can one be happy without self-love, the true unconditional love of oneself?
Well, you can’t. Believe me, I tried.
Ever since I can remember, my priority was to make sure that everyone around me was happy. I worked so hard to always be a good daughter and for people to like me. The latin culture that I was brought up in tells women to serve that role from a young age. As I started cognitively understanding interactions and relationships with my family and peers, I internalized that as long they were happy, I was happy. I depended on their approval to make me feel like I was valued, worthy, accepted, and loved.
As my body started to develop throughout my teenage years, my self-esteem and self-worth got worse. Always caring too much about what others thought about me, I tried to look pretty, tried to follow trends, and tried to get attention. I compared myself to others and was constantly telling myself that I wasn’t good enough, or smart enough, or skinny enough, or pretty enough, or had big enough breasts. Eventually I started living in constant anxiety, crumbling under the weight of my insecurities, and emotionally exhausted from caring so much about others’ opinions.
Now that I think back on it, it baffles me how much power I gave them over my own happiness.
As a result, I ended up in very toxic relationships – relationships that were manipulating, abusive (both sexually and verbally), with narcissistic, unreliable, and unstable men.
In one such relationship, my partner coerced me into doing things I didn’t feel comfortable doing, but because his opinion meant everything, I gave him all the power to decide if I was enough. When he wasn’t happy with the weight I’d gained from grief after my brother’s passing, he pushed me to go on a diet. He convinced me to take lewd photographs for him, and as uncomfortable as I was to go through with it, I did. I just shut my brain and did what he asked. The worst part of it was that he later used them to seduce other men online while he was impersonating me.
I spent a very long time and immeasurable energy allowing anything he wanted to happen, just to feel like I was worth something. And I convinced myself I wanted those things too – I was that scared of being rejected. Instead of feeling any sense of self-worth, I became more and more insecure and disconnected with myself, to the point that I didn’t know who I was anymore, I was numb. I craved his attention. I craved anything that would make me feel loved, wanted, or worthy. The more he mistreated me, the more his opinion mattered.
I didn’t know how to set boundaries or say no.
I didn’t know how to walk away.
I found myself in states of debilitating depression, not knowing how to live.
I’ve had several relationships like that – some worse, some not that bad, but all in which I found myself putting my self-worth on others.
I eventually got married and although we loved each other so much, our relationship was very unstable. When we started dating, he was in a very insecure place, had just recently broken up, and I was coming out of a rollercoaster of a relationship. We were both young, and although it was very hard and destructive, we always figured out a way to stay together.
Throughout our relationship our dynamic consisted of him being very distracted by work, side businesses, and social life, and me trying to fit myself in there, figuring out my career, while also trying to be a good partner. I would do anything to be a part of his life, but I felt I was always fighting – fighting for his time, for security, and for stability. Yet the more I fought for these things, the more I spent my energy on everything he was doing, and the less on me.
Down the Rabbit Hole, 2020
Behind Closed Doors, 2018
I wasn’t strong enough to just focus on what I needed and not care about what he was or wasn’t doing. I think I knew deep down that focusing inward would help me, but I just couldn’t do it. I wanted to, so much, but I was too weak. I tried so many times, and so many times I failed. I can’t tell you how often I found myself crying in my closet with the lights out, not knowing how to get out of the dark hole I had fallen into.
I found myself living a very harmful, unpredictable, and unreliable life, with him prioritizing work and other relationships, and me waiting for him to give me the space in his life as his wife.
Again I found myself putting all my self-worth on someone else rather than myself. My goals, my ambitions, my happiness depended on making sure that I was fulfilling everything he needed.
I started getting very sick from the constant stress and anxiety I dealt with. I was fighting every day to be heard, to be understood, to be loved, by him and by me, and again I found myself in a place where the more I fought, the emptier I felt. We failed to build the foundation we needed in order to face life together and to communicate our needs. So when it finally became unbearable for us both, we decided to separate.
At this point I found myself living alone in New York city in an apartment that I couldn’t afford and without a stable job. My anxiety took its toll on my body, and I became very ill from all the stress. Some days I could hardly sit up from the pain in my neck and back.
I was at the lowest point in my life.
I was disconnected entirely from who I was, from my body, from my heart, and from my being. I found myself with two choices: fighting or giving up.
It is in this moment of desperation that I finally woke up and started climbing out of the abyss. I realized that everything I had been fighting for didn’t matter anymore – all their opinions and their thoughts and all the weight I’d put on them, just left me. All the noise went away, I felt hope, I felt strength and I felt liberated. And it was then, finally, that I began to care about getting to know myself and fighting for who I really am.
This is when Brenda, my first autobiographical photograph was created.
This was the moment I found myself living and caring for nobody else but myself.
The woman in the photograph is a representation of me, in my most raw and vulnerable state, realizing that I no longer had to live for anyone else. I wasn’t going to care what others thought about me, I was done. No one else mattered but me.
Ever since then, I haven’t stopped creating. I dedicated almost two years to expressing myself about what I was going through with my photography. Since I was living in New York alone and figuring out how to survive, photography was my main medium and source of income. I couldn’t find time for painting, and back then I didn’t feel like I could’ve painted anyway, since I was still getting to know myself. I was still healing, learning, and unlearning.
My juxtaposed photographs became autobiographies of moments and emotions I was trying to understand and heal.
For example, Dominika, is my interpretation of the language between men and women. The men in my life have always loved cars, their power, their speed, and the identity behind owning them. Women have always been a shadow of that world.
Brenda, 2018
Dominika, 2017
That year, 2018, I created over 18 autobiographical pieces, but since I was still trying to figure out who I was, I found myself having a hard time using myself in the photographs. I used models from previous shoots, my sister, and people that I photographed, because using myself was just too hard. I was still so disconnected from my body, I didn’t have the strength to really see myself.
Through journaling every morning, researching, reading countless books, watching videos, and listening to seminars by Brene Brown, Esther Perel, and Eckhart Tolle among others, I started noticing a shift in the way I was living.
I started approaching life differently, I slowly started trusting – trusting myself and trusting the universe.
I began creating very genuine connections with the most wonderful and supporting people. People who stood up for me, even against myself. What really amazed me is that most of them were women. Women who didn’t know me, women who trusted me and stood by my side, helped me with my career, pushed my limits and always believed in me.
That’s not to say every day was easy – I was still prone to intense bouts of lowness, anxiety, uncertainty, and pain. But trusting the universe has a way of giving you the things you need in life, and when you least expect them.
One day, I was coming home from Madrid to New York, and I had a layover in Lisbon. For the whole two hours I waited for that second flight home, I cried from anguish. Not only was I leaving my sister behind, but I was dealing with situations and conversations surrounding my separation and I was still feeling so much pain from it all. There was so much work I had yet to do to find peace within myself with everything that had happened.
As I was standing in the middle of the transit lounge, sad, lost, and alone, a lady came up to me to see if I was okay. I could barely stand up. In that moment, as I looked into her eyes, and saw my reflection in them, something inside of me just clicked.
I told her I was okay, and thanked her for asking me, and I ran to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror, and in that moment I told myself, “no more.” No more crying. No more pain. No more desperation. So I washed my face, put makeup on, and as I walked back out into the world I promised to start a new life for myself.
As I got my bags and walked up to the gate to board my flight, I looked up and this guy was standing there, looking at me, with a big smile on his face. We only had five minutes to exchange pleasantries on the shuttle to the plane. He told me he lived in San Francisco, was a French teacher, and was a drummer, I told him I was from Argentina and lived in New York and was an artist. Then we exchanged contacts as we boarded, and that was it. In that moment I was so focused on me, I was so raw and vulnerable, that I didn’t even have the head or heart space to understand what the universe was doing. I didn’t think much of it and went on with my life.
Being in New York with this newfound sense of determination and boundaries I had set up for myself, I finally got to understand what peace, stability, self-love, and security feel like.
I felt free. I felt alive. I felt like I could breathe.
I felt so much strength within my body and heart, that with that feeling, the photograph, “The Only Way” was born. The first photograph that I exposed myself in. And I felt EMPOWERED.
I didn’t care what anyone thought. What that photograph made me feel, no one else had ever made me feel, and I had created it. It came from within me.
I spent a year focusing on getting to know myself profoundly. Journaling became a daily habit and the most incredible way of understanding who I was. Through journaling I have been able to learn, clarity and heal many past traumas. Still to this day I journal every day and I’m still learning and healing.
I also learned to face my fears. Every time a challenge arose that made me feel uncomfortable, I would face it. It was the only way to become stronger.
During all this time, that guy from the plane and I messaged each other and got to know each other more and more. For me, it was still very hard to trust someone, or even to love again. But he was different, and so was I. We decided to start dating long distance – it was the only way I felt I could be with someone. I still needed more time for myself.
The only way, 2019
Seeking Strength, 2020
We dated for one year, a year during which I learned so much about myself by being alone, and also by being with someone who understood me, treated our relationship as his priority, and who made me feel safe. For the first time, I was able to feel what stability with another person meant: for once, our relationship was easy.
You know the phrase “Be with someone who makes you want to be a better person”? Well, I finally figured out what it mean.
If you’re going to be with anyone at all it shouldn’t just be with someone who constantly tells you that you are amazing as you are, or who wants you to be better or happy for yourself – these things matter, of course, but it’s much more than that.
Be with someone who doesn’t bring chaos and uncertainty into your life.
Be with someone who helps you feel secure and stable in your relationship.
Be with someone who makes life easy, so that you can focus all your energy into being present and at peace, and into fulfilling your passion and your work.
That’s the kind of partner who inspires you to wake up each day wanting to be better.
After that year and after getting to know each other and feeling so much love and certainty, we decided to move to Lisbon together. Living in Europe had been in my plans all my life, so I trusted my intuition and the opportunity that was put in front of me. I trusted myself and trusted the universe, and we moved in together.
I sold everything that I owned. I wanted to start a new life, disconnected from all the material things that I had once thought made me happy. I sold and donated dresses, purses, furniture, jewelry, clothes, and so many things I had accumulated from my past life. I got rid of everything. I felt liberated. The less I cared for material things, the more I could see and love myself.
Together We Bloom, 2020
Almost immediately after I moved to Lisbon, Covid and Lockdown happened. I kept journaling and through my writing, I decided to use the time in lockdown to learn more about myself, grow, forgive myself, and heal. The universe was giving the whole world a pause to reconnect with our inner being and love.
With everything I’d learned, being in lockdown at this stage of my life gave me the space to address long-cultivated issues with my own body. One day in particular, I got out of the shower and started spiraling down a particularly deep rabbit hole of self-hatred when I looked in the mirror. This couldn’t go on, I told myself.
I decided to use my photography and painting to figure this out. I decided I was going to take photos of myself and paint myself to figure out how to love my body.
I set up the tripod and immediately started taking nude photographs of myself – it was probably one of the hardest things I’d ever done. The only other time I had done this wasn’t with my own will. At first, I was very shy and discouraged and I felt pain, but I kept going. I wasn’t going to stop. I was going to change the way that I thought about myself, by seeing myself. I was not my vagrant, hateful thoughts. I was done listening to that voice. I was going to love my body.
After going through the photographs, I set up a canvas on two chairs and started sketching my body onto the canvas.
It was so hard to complete the first painting of this series, I couldn’t even include my head. Just my body. I used very washed-out colors, and was fighting myself throughout the whole process, but as I stepped back, my whole body started vibrating.
When I looked upon the painting, I felt so much strength. I felt liberated, and something else I had never felt before: I felt love for myself.
From the Inside, Outside, 2020
Disentangling, 2020
From that moment, I didn’t stop painting. Every week I was creating a new oil painting. I decided to go even bolder. Make the colors and contrast darker, show my body in a more emboldened and empowered way. I felt a very genuine connection with myself and so much awareness in my body. I felt my whole-body vibrating. I cried, I laughed, I danced, I got turned on, I painted with my emotions, with my energy, with my sex, with my love, and with my light.
One of the most powerful artworks of this series is “Free, Together, We Bloom”. During the process of painting this piece, I had never felt so connected with my inner self. I wasn’t painting with my mind, my thoughts, or my program, I was painting with my energy, my presence, and my light. I was physically transmitting what my body felt in that moment, and it made sense. I felt I was communicating and vibrating with the paint, the figures in the canvas, and the colors. I have never felt so in tune with my inner Being.
The experience of that painting was so enlightening, I wanted to feel more of it, so I decided to go even bigger.
I was disentangling so many years of self-hate, self-sabotage, programmed behavior, and liberating myself from all of it.
And I keep doing it every day…
I’m still healing, I’m still learning, I’m still unlearning, and I’m still forgiving myself and others.